I spent much of my life crying to God, asking why he would let me have such a tough life. Why did He allow bad thing after bad thing happen to me? Why did I start off life with such a screwed up family? I was a mostly good person and a good community member. I don’t commit crimes or break the law of man, nor God. I could be a better person in my thoughts against others, but most of the world carries that same fault. I honestly was a reasonably good person. So why, God, why was I born into such a cruddy life?
I felt my life was unfair. I felt helpless and lonely. Night after night I would cry for freedom of the chains of my life. I started this crying at a young age and continued well into my adulthood. I cried for someone to love me. I cried to have someone to love the way I wanted to be loved. I cried for financial freedom. I cried for freedom from my anxieties. I shouted for God to hear my cries and answer them. I cried for Him to answer my calls faster.
I didn’t even pray to God. I just cried and whined like a selfish child! I needed (and need, as I am still learning) to pray to God. I need to pray for His guidance, His support, His grace, and patience. I need to ask him to guide me through my dark times, not remove them. To provide light for me. I need to ask Him to support me, hold my hand and walk with me. I need to ask for Him to carry me when I cannot walk on my own,
I needed to ask for grace for my past thoughts and anger toward Him. I needed to ask for His patience with me because I am an imperfect person and I’m still learning that through Him, all things are possible.
Once I opened my heart to Him and started praying to Him, instead of whining like an insolent child, I began to feel less helpless. Did my life magically repair itself? No! However, I started to feel stronger, and more in control. My severe anxiety eased with each prayer I sent up to Him.
I’m still working on this! I still have to remind myself that I have to let go and let God. I need to remind myself that prayers do not get answered on my timeline but on the Lord’s timeline. I’m still imperfect and always will be, but that is okay because God’s grace envelopes me.